I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Unexpected Judgment
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks