Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hamburger Hinderer.