Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
When ur friends with white people
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why