When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
the three genders
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show