[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.