Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist