Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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Respect
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.