What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?