A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
A dead goose is called a ghoost
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.