A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me in tagged photos
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.