oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.