Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership