[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
he chose this
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I have many caverns
My current situation
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL