Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
How I’d get arrested…
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
This could be us, but you weedin’.