A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”