Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
first you must answer his riddles
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s