Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
prepare for carbonated trouble
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.