Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.