Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Seems kinda suspicious
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
The pasta is now
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.