what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet