SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You Might Also Like
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”