I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.