Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs