Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.