how do y’all walk in shallow water
You Might Also Like
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer