diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**