[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags