“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I beg your pardon?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.