I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You Might Also Like
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
iPhone X
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually