“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
So sick of all these stupid rules
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity