I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.