Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.