My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
*seductively eats two tums*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now