Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE