My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people