*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
😎 🍻
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”