My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!