That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Tremendous stuff
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.