Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Lmfaoooooo
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.