Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me