I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road![]()
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You can’t rush stupid.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done