Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
😂😂
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
my retirement plan is braless
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.