When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.