I only look at Wordle for the articles
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.