Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
You Might Also Like
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.