Buying a well is money well spent.
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Wait a second…
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.