Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.