My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
You Might Also Like
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
This could’ve been an email.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“Huge”.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”