*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.