[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
*Seductively hides in the woods
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.